Students were finally gathering their belongings and filing out of the classroom. It was a clumsy, unorganized affair. The professor waited patiently as the last student added the final touches to his blueprint. We scurried to our usual seats. All except me. Of course the one baldheaded, overachieving, nerd of student who is always last to leave the class, had to sit in my seat.
Just a little bit annoyed I took the seat right behind him and settled in. He was still there. The clock was ticking and he had a whole two minutes before our professor would throw him and his belongings out with the female professor who, still, waited ever so patiently for this.
He-let’s call him Baldy since I didn’t know his name yet- finally looked up from his work and rolled his blueprint into a gigantic baton. I was still annoyed but also curious to see his face. I just wanted to know who Mr. Seat-stealer was, but so far I could only describe the light gleaming off the back of his head.
Suddenly, while I was still caught up in my mind trying to place face to the head, he stood up. All 6ft 4 inches of him, standing sturdy and tall with a posture of a noble Englishman. He was probably 3 times my size, maybe almost 300lbs of solid muscle and could probably destroy anything that made contact with his steel physique. This was just a side view.
Swinging his backpack over one shoulder he turned his face to me, looking right at me. Or should I say, looking right through me? A piercing intensity in his eyes as we made eye contact, for a brief moment, while piercing but distant, his eyes passed right over me. All the while I could not take my eyes off of him.
I don’t know for sure, but my jaw might have dropped. I might have had my mouth gaping wide open in awe as I shamelessly stared at this handsome man. His eyes, his nose, his jaw line, his lips, his body; not one part of him was out of place.
He carried on without ever realizing my existence that day, and my eyes followed him to the door and beyond without blinking. As he exited the class I heard myself whisper, “Adonis.”
I was shaken to reality as my phone vibrated. “Its so hot when you talk legal,” read the line across the top of my screen. Immediately I brought myself back to planet earth where I normally lived, and reminded myself of the complicated rut of a relationship I was actually in at the time. Shaking my head, I put my phone away and forced my attention toward white board.
My poor professor was straining his voice and rapidly going through slides, teaching and lecturing in vain, to a group of tech-addicts who were all smiling down at their crotches where, I’m hoping, they had their mobile devices. I started paying attention, mostly out of sympathy, but slowly, random thoughts started creeping in and out of my mind.
For the first time ever I looked up at a man and was immediately attracted to him. For the first time ever, I wanted to jump out of my seat to run after a stranger just to get his name. For the first time ever, I “checked out” a man while I was seeing someone else. For the first time since meeting Tubz – that’s what we’re going to call the complicated relationship guy- I actually wanted to break up and move on.
It was one long class to sit through that night, and I don’t remember taking any notes. And Baldy? His name isn’t really Baldy or Adonis, but it was a nice enough name to match his demeanour. I’ll tell you more about him and how we met later. But this story is actually more about falling out of love and healing post break up, than about the gorgeous distraction that first took my mind off of Tubz. Adonis is how I realized that I was in denial of the fact that Tubz and I were hanging by a thread.
R. A. Douglas
November 20, 2014.
(Image taken from google – Pinterest)
He was afraid of her femininity.
He had never met a woman who was beautifully satisfied with being a woman.
The power was hers alone. She was gentle and quiet. It was in her subtle acts, and kind words. It was in her dreamer’s gaze and the intensity of her eyes; her impartial attention, intricate observations, and an understanding he could not bare. She had it all, brought it all and gave it all. She left his mind unwound, heart full and body rejuvenated. An antedote ran through her veins and into his soul, ridding him of the poisons of past loves. And as he held her for a brief moment, he believed it all belonged to him.
But he was a simple minded man and so, he let it all slip away. She became, in a impulsive moment, a passing spring breeze full of floral scents and promise of life but never to be grasped with his hands.
R. A. Douglas
March 21, 2015.
I am the biggest surpise you’ve ever had.
I am all that you never understood.
I am beauty that caught your eyes
I am thoughts that captured your mind.
I am the voice that soathes your heart.
I am gentleness that caresses your soul.
I am kindness that dissipates all your emotions.
I am sweetness that melts your manhood.
I am words that lift you up.
I am the strength that guards you.
I am the friend that stays beside you.
I am the trust that brought down your walls.
I am your example of unconditional love.
I am the ghost you called a memory.
I am all that you ever wanted.
I am everything you have ever needed.
I am the one.
AND I AM THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY.
R. A. Douglas
February 10, 2015.
Then there was quiet
An ease in my soul
A comfort I had forgotten the likeness of.
A heavy burden lifted off my heart
With the return of simplicity and grace.
And I thought to myself
If letting go of you feels this good
What was it that I held onto?
What once felt like my life and breath
Is now but a mirage.
It wasn’t you, but the pain I was addicted to.
R. A. Douglas
February 3, 2015.
The downpour commenced
At the nick of time
Like the waters spilled over
Just for this rhyme
Caught me in the grace
Of an everlasting love
The beauty of His creation
Sent from above
Now the sidewalk my stage
The lamppost my spotlight
The thunder my drumbeat
As I twirl and spin into sight
Oh beautiful rain
Where have you been?
My heart’s sought your touch
Since we’ve last seen
Oh beautiful rain
It’s you and I tonight
Dancing to pitter patters
Til the last drop, til midnight.
R. A. Douglas
(Image from tumblr.com)
You’re only half here, yet you expect me to be whole.
Relieve me of my mind. Let me play a different role.
You come in a million pieces.
Don’t wanna be a craftsman anymore
Putting myself together was more than I ever asked for.
Untangle your mind, unravel your secrets.
Undo your past by doing better in your present
Abandon your pains
Come with a clean heart.
I’d rather be held when you’re not falling apart.
This is not a compromise, Its not a right either.
Read between the lines; there’s a place for us, we’ll meet there.
When I started to believe in the unthinkable
You started acting like the rest, the easily predictable
What can I say? Must be the routine
Must be simpler to close the book than search for the unseen.
People tend to go
Where the river tends to flow
But it’s better to be imprisoned to myself than someone I can’t know
Who can tell of a tomorrow, or of the lifelong?
What’s to say this feeling won’t ever be gone?
When there’s no decision left to make; Right or wrong,
That’s when we realize that we’ve been falling all along.
Falling all along…
Roja Ariel Douglas
Time and time again reflecting on the tragedies
Broken hearted souls bleeding blue-inked parodies,
Rocking back and forth singing songs of the memories,
Never once forget, never ever lose the melodies.
Life, it is a song, once written all wrong,
Pouring verses into verses, into stanzas years long.
Ever wonder how the heart stings,
Writing what the voice sings,
Condensing what the mind thinks,
Just to hear the words ring?
Even voices won’t do justice to the pain and the agony
The man in his mind thunk thrice to make his symphony.
Wrote the songs as an outlet for the foul scented memories
And in your own life his songs become epiphanies.
Nodding, wondering what you could’ve done differently
Showing all too clearly that she drained you emotionally
But then is gone and this is now, lets not repeat the history
Your heart, soul, mind still hidden; such a mystery.
Luring in the dark like shadows in the night,
All I ever hear are those words you never write.
It’s been some years and the furthest I have come,
Is to know you still exist and that you leave me feeling numb.
We all do this sometimes, we never say if we care.
Walk away from the scene, from the things we can’t bare.
Portray an image so strong, standing sturdy and tall
Never letting one in to know the truth of it all.
The brokenness, the fear, the memories that haunt us.
The failures, the loss, and the people that taunt us,
Nothing seems to faze us, not their words or their status
But one thing for sure between us, is everything but trust.
Our heads held high, our smiles plastered on,
I’ll let the church bells chime, you blast your favourite song.
“Rolling with the punches” in our own unique ways,
And I won’t try deny, that I thought of you today.
But then I shrugged it all off, just like you would’ve done,
Believe me when I say its easier said than done.
And before the time arises, for this to spring forth
I buried in my heart, and commenced to head north.
I could follow my star, and should you follow yours too
If they lead us back to here, then we’ll know it’s me and you.
Meanwhile I’ll still be writing the letters I’ll never send,
If there are words left unsaid, mine will be here till the end.
This is how I smile, laugh, shout, cry and plead.
Instead of getting burnt I let my pen bleed.
I’ll leave my thoughts on paper, until I’m face to face with death
And I hope you never wonder, like I do with every breath.
Woulda, coulda, shoulda, never cut the chase.
Let’s live out lives on purpose, for regrets let’s leave no space.
Lets run our own races and not run them in vain,
Leave the rest to imaginations until we meet again.
R. A. Douglas
November 15, 2012.